Happiness is fleeting.
We frequently speak to friends, wider family and clients who describe something along the lines of being unhappy with their work or personal life. Often, they may look back on a particular period of time in their life, like the day they got married or when they graduated from University, as a moment of complete happiness. The moment in time they describe has become a bookmark in their memories, or a high water mark for happiness.
“If I could just feel that way again, I would be happy”
The problem of course with this approach is that happiness is an emotion, not a state of being. Emotions like happiness and sadness aren’t supposed to last. They come and go. Seeking happiness as the ultimate goal is like chasing rainbows. Happiness is a moving target and we may feel even less happy because unrealistic expectations have been set. Your happiness water level won’t always keep rising to the previous high-water mark. We can often see this being the case for high-level executives who have enjoyed their rise through corporate world but struggle to adapt to the slower pace of life that retirement brings.
It’s very rare for us to sit at a Discovery Meeting and listen to a client define a lifestyle which is unattainable.
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A couple will typically come to boosst for much-needed guidance as they approach retirement. Often, they haven’t really thought about what a fulfilling life might look like and certainly haven’t mapped out what it might cost to fund it. Our first job is to help discover their own definition of fulfilment. This of course is very personal, as we all have our own sense of purpose and find different things fulfilling. Hopefully you and your partner have a similar description of a fulfilling lifestyle, or this can cause bumps in the road! Usually, couples going through this process find that they are more aligned with each other than they remember being, especially after many years of marriage!
Even clients who have lost children or been widowed at a young age can go on to find fulfilment.
The road to fulfilment:
Don’t overreact to highs or lows
People who are fulfilled don’t overreact to emotional highs or lows. They are able to appreciate that just as the seasons come and go, so do our emotions. There are all kinds of clever ways to keep feelings in check, even in a modern world which seems to heighten and dump our emotions up and down on a regular basis. Investing in equity markets is one very obvious part of life that throws our feelings up and down the spectrum. It was much simpler 50 years ago, when share prices weren’t available on every device or flashed along the bottom of TV screens.
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Focus on the things that really matter. Ask yourself: Am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired? If you are any or many of those things, Victor Frankl suggests that you take one of these steps to level out your high or low:
- Eat a nourishing meal.
- Step away from the situation that’s causing stress, if you can.
- Practice 4-7-8 breathing: Inhale for four seconds, hold for seven seconds, exhale for eight seconds.
- Go for a 10-minute walk.
- Write down three things that you’re grateful for.
- Talk to a friend.
- Do things that make you feel relaxed.
Learn to adapt
Life rarely turns out exactly as we plan, and learning to adapt is a superpower for mental health. Adapting doesn’t mean giving up your hopes, dreams or intentions. It involves making the most of what you have right now, so you can stay focused on creating the life you want. There will certainly be setbacks in your financial planning journey – be it a surprise mortgage rate rise, a health complication or a difficult manager or colleague at work.
Researchers have developed a test for AQ (adaptability quotient) similar to IQ that gauges how adaptable you are. If you aren’t as adaptable as you’d like, you can start by asking yourself: How willing am I to change, to learn or to make mistakes? Adapting may require unlearning old habits so you can develop new, more helpful habits. Challenge yourself to approach life with curiosity before judgment. You may learn valuable lessons about yourself and the people around you.
Build relationships
Developing meaningful relationships
The Harvard Study of Adult Development showed that quality relationships are important for wellbeing. This comes at a time when loneliness feels like it’s more common than ever. Consider your relationships not only an investment in your mental health, but also an opportunity to bring you closer to fulfillment. Common interest meet-ups, group activities and membership bodies are all great ways to build relationships with people who have similar interests and motives.
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Try not to regret
We all have aspects of our past we would change if we could, but living with regret isn’t helpful for mental health or achieving fulfilment. One study shows that people who are fulfilled choose not to live with deep regret. This means accepting that although you can’t change your past, you can change the way you think about it. At our Discovery Meeting we will always ask “what do you currently do, that you would rather not?”, in an effort to not continue forming new regrets.
Instead of regretting past experiences, focus on the lessons you have learned from them, to avoid the same mistakes in the future.
Many of us could use more happiness in our lives, but as Victor Frankl wrote, “Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue”. Instead of searching for happiness, shift your attention toward finding fulfillment. It may bring you closer to living a better life and experiencing more happiness along the way. After all, we can deliver a financial plan that funds your ideal lifestyle, but we need you to be open and honest to define that lifestyle, and it is you that needs to put the hard work in to achieve fulfilment, rather than simply following a financial plan that seeks short-term happiness.
This insight was inspired by an article by Gregory Scott Brown in the Washington Post and Victor Frankl.